How did I learned to ask for help

The School of Shamanic Initiation

I would like to thank you once more for the transformative experience you facilitated, and would also like to validate you in the work that you are doing. I was diagnosed with complex posttraumatic stress disorder last year in August, and the memories that resurfaced during my medical evaluation allowed me to make sense of the experience I had. I am currently doing research (for Graduate school) on the correlation between cPTSD and Ayahuasca, and trying to figure out the correct dosage if not find other ways to emulate the chemical reactions/changes that take place in the brain while on sacred plant medicines. 

The smaller dose you gave me seemed to have had just the right effect and brought on feelings of catharsis, though I would not let myself purge. Encourage these participants to purge, they just don't trust themselves enough to release what they are experiencing. Finally, if anything similar to my experience ever happens, please encourage the participant to follow up with talk-therapy immediately, so as to help them make sense of the internal experience and the external experience - which of mine were completely different, but now my entire life makes sense. You are freeing so many people from their shackles, well done and please keep helping others to live a better life. Thank you

I have been putting off sharing my experience since it happened about two months ago because I just feel that nobody would fully understand, but here goes, hopefully sharing it here will shed some light or give insight to some questions I have. My sister and I attended a weekend retreat at the end of January, and I had followed the diet provided very strictly for two weeks prior to the first ceremony, even losing 12 lbs in the process. Needless to say, my body was well prepared and my mind was in a good space from weeks of meditation and cleansing... or so I thought. I had spent some time doing more research before and avoided content that might disturb my mind like watching true crime shows and reality tv shows (which are a guilty pleasure), as well as reading up on other people's experiences on this subreddit. 

There were 20 participants for the first ceremony. Some people had embarked on this experience multiple times while others like my sister and I had never taken the plant medicine before. We both went in with the intention of resolving different issues from our troubled childhood that have been affecting us both differently as adults. The shaman and facilitators made sure to separate us and talk us through not being so involved in the other's experience no matter what happens. I sat back down in the lotus position after taking a full dose of the medicine and almost immediately, began to feel a burning sensation in my stomach (I had fasted for 24 hours before). After about ten minutes, everything began to look intense and the room started to move within itself, first blurring everything and everyone in it, and then fragmenting itself into intricate formations. It was like I had shifted into another realm but was still in the same location, only myself and the shaman were clear. He had knelt down and was in a trance singing the icaros. I could see shadows walking around then room before I was suddenly taken to another dimension where there were women who were lined up in a knelt position and they were all chanting a prayer(?) or something. I was among them in the line and I tried to ask the one next to me what was happening but she shushed me and went back into the prayer position. 

The ground began to shake and this enormous figure, as tall as a 70 foot building came towards us as if to inspect us, to see if we were all praying(?). I was terrified at this point shaking into my palms, and then was suddenly thrown back into the fragmented room we were all in. I was freaking out at this point. Before I could ask for help, I was then thrown into another dimension where the living beings were... this is so difficult to explain. They were shifting their bodies into very deliberate and calculated forms and they seemed to have a purpose for it. 

I all looked very strange as well - the closest description of what they looked like would be almost like a Picasso painting. I asked them where I was and what they were doing but they told me that it was what needed to be done. That was "just the way it is" there. No further explanation. I spent what felt like an entire day there and felt for sure that I had permanently shifted out of our reality. I eventually was thrown back to the original room and at this point was so afraid but could not shout for help. I was stuck inside my body and could see everything but could not move or speak. All of a sudden, I then found myself standing in the middle of my bedroom. I looked outside and the sky was cloudy, not a sound from the birds or wind or people who usually walk around, and every leaf on every tree was dead still. I tried to open my door but it was locked. It was pin drop silent. A wave of horror washed over me while I came to the realisation that I was still in the experience and might have died. 

This was not normal. It wasn't all just a dream. I called for help but nobody came. The sun set and rose twice and I experienced every minute of being stuck there. I knew I was in my own personal hell. At some point I cried out after waking up again in this room on the floor wondering why I was still stuck there. Then a strange raspy voice asked me how I was. I didn't respond. It asked me if I was hungry, and I said no and told it that I'd like to return home. This is really difficult for me to think back on without getting emotional so I'll keep it short. I was forced to eat an impossible amount of food until I threw up and was forced to consume my vomit as well. I have had an eating disorder for most of my adult life so it feels quite humiliating for me.

 After being tortured for a long period by the being, that reality began to implode into itself and emerge from within itself. Something I would never imagine experiencing and my mind had a horrible time trying to comprehend what was going on. I was finally thrown back into the ceremony room and I mastered all of my energy into saying "I need help". I later found out that only 45 minutes had passed by this point and that as soon as I said "I need help", every other participant's experience was initiated. People around me began to cry and violently throw up.

Since then, I no longer have the eating disorder and have finally gotten over the shock and fear of carrying on with this life. I can't cope as well as I used to under stressful conditions but that is something I am currently working on. I still experience panic attacks since, but less frequently now. Honestly don't think I'll ever touch the plant medicine ever again, but I've walked away from the experience having gained a new perspective, appreciation and understanding of life.

NJ K.